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Colin & Tony’s Tight Bastard’s Guide To Christmas

December 15, 2008
Right, me and Col have come up with some ideas to help you save money this Christmas, isn’t that right?  Col!
Er…yes!  Sorry, Tone…miles away.
Nothing new there!  Anyway, we were at the pub, last night, with our old mate, Jeff, who was moaning about the cost of everything…’specially when his his family descend and expect the works!
You make ’em sound like vultures…
I think that’s how Jeff sees ’em…so, we came up with a few ideas to help him…
…and this is what we came up with…OK, you can start…
Thanks…right…if you haven’t got any money for cards, take one cornflakes packet, a pair of scissors, some glue, and some old Christmas cards with glitter on.  Cut the packet into card shapes…you can cut up some old cards for things like snowmen, robins, santas, which you can glue on the front.  Now, add some glue to the card and scrape the glitter off the old card onto the glue.  And there you have it…one cheap Crimbo card…!
Alternatively, you could just tippex out what others have written in old cards and write your own messages in…!
Good point, Col…provided you have tippex, eh?!  Right, what’s next…?
Ah…you could dig out all those unwanted gifts from previous years…like the beard trimmer Auntie Mavis gave me, last year…
…maybe it was a hint…?!!  Sorry!  But remember, you don’t want to be giving a beard trimmer to your granny…!!
I don’t have a granny…
Moving swiftly on…the next hint came from Charlie, behind the bar…thanks Charlie!  He said he wraps any old junk…’cos no one is really bothered anyway!
Yeah…remember that it’s the thought that counts! 
Right…er…wrapping paper.  Don’t have any?  Use newspaper, wallpaper, or re-use the brown paper that Auntie Mabel sent you the telephone cosy, that she knitted specially, in.  Why did she think I needed a telephone cosy…I don’t even have a phone!!!
Yeah…tie up with string and add a sprig of holly for that perfect festive touch!
Of course, if you’re just sick of Christmas, and are bothered by carol-singers, make a poster wishing everyone a Happy Yuletide, stick it in your window, or on your door…then de-camp to a back room, leaving the rest of the house in darkness…and pretend you’re not in!
I think that’s what I’m going to do…!!
Who you kiddin’…you’ll be in the pub!!
OK…decorating your home…nothing could be simpler!!  Greenery, and lots of it…snipped from your neighbour’s gardens…or the park!
Don’t forget to do this at night…so you don’t get caught…!
Another good point, Colin…take it away, matey…!!
Why do you always have to do that dramatic bit?!
Why not?  Just a bit of fun…you always take things so seriously…loosen up a bit…
Shall we get back to the hints?!  Decorating your home…!  Pine cones…free…pick ’em up in the park…and add to holly and ivy and stuff.
Right…this is my favourite…gatecrashing people’s parties…
It would be!!  I don’t know how you can do that…!!
Don’t be such a wuss!!  It’s easy! 
Right, this isn’t for a wuss puss like Col, here, but it’s well fun!!  Gatecrash parties, and help yourself to decorations off their trees, or whatever you can pick up…
But be careful you don’t get physically ejected, ‘cos they could get broken…it’s best to go quietly.
Another good point, Col…I hadn’t thought of that.  Of, course, I enjoy getting thrown out, anyway…
You would!!  Is that it, for now?
Yeah, I think that will do…unless we come up with a few more…!  So HAPPY CHRISTMAS everyone…
And don’t go spending too much money…MERRY CHRISTMAS…! 
18 Comments leave one →
  1. Kayley and Phil permalink
    December 15, 2008 8:25 pm

    Sometimes you really do worry us Sandi…………….lol But we still love ya xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. Sandi permalink
    December 15, 2008 9:47 pm

    Hey, guys…it\’s fiction! Colin Brown is my Hairy Detective character, and Tony Sharp is his biker friend. It\’s a story I\’m currently working on…not very successfully at the mo…ideas come thick and fast, but the actual writing…aargh!!!

  3. Sandi permalink
    December 15, 2008 9:50 pm

    Apart from worrying about me…(why?! I might be barmy, but I\’m far too sane for my own good…!!))…whaddya think…?

  4. Natalia permalink
    December 15, 2008 10:01 pm

    Hee! Hee! Sandi. My money is going to the Cat and Dog home this year and I\’m…………… retiring to the back room. xxx

  5. Pamela permalink
    December 15, 2008 11:46 pm

    You`re an aspiring author? Cool!! xxx

  6. Cornish permalink
    December 16, 2008 9:08 am

    Hmmmm gatecrashing huh? I\’ll have to lock the front door on sproutmass eve and watch who comes in. But then, you\’d always be welcome anyway. I always re-use last years cards and turn them into this years labels. It recycles and saves pennies. I like the card idea though, especially scraping off the glitter. Well it only comes off anyway!Have a great day. xx

  7. Sandi permalink
    December 16, 2008 11:57 am

    Sproutmas Eve? I like that!! We love our sprouts…!!!

  8. Mike permalink
    December 16, 2008 5:44 pm

    Ooh hate sprouts! When the family get together and xmas dinner is served, the first thingi do is inspect every square centimetre of the plate just to make sure the tiniest leaf hasn\’tfallen from the serving spoon lol xxx

  9. Princess permalink
    December 16, 2008 6:33 pm

    Yo Sandi! I think it\’s Fab! Very entertaining! U make a good author! Can\’t wait 4 the next installment! Hope u have a Great Evening! Luv PF XXX PS…Where did Mike\’s sprouts come from?! I love em, but they give me er…………wind!!!

  10. Sandi permalink
    December 16, 2008 8:12 pm

    Mike\’s sprouts came from Rachel\’s comment…about Sproutmas Eve…I said I like that one…\’cos I love sprouts. Poor old Mike…never grew out of hating his greens…lol!!!

  11. Sandi permalink
    December 16, 2008 11:52 pm

    Right…I\’m sending Colin and Tony Christmas shopping, next…see how they fare…!! Hmmm…they\’re bound to end up in some kind of trouble…well, Colin will…he always does!!! Poor Colin…!!! (Why am I so cruel to the poor man, I wonder…?!!!)

  12. Pamela permalink
    December 16, 2008 11:59 pm

    LOL, take `em to the produce aisle Sandi, men love to inspect melons…

  13. Sandi permalink
    December 17, 2008 12:03 am

    LOL!! Hmmm…you will have to wait and see…even I don\’t know how things are going to work out with those two…anything can happen!!!

  14. Mike permalink
    December 17, 2008 12:18 am

    First of all….i love processed peas….which just about qualify as \’greens\’ :-)Secondly……….yes we do! 🙂 xxx

  15. LABW permalink
    December 17, 2008 9:09 am

    Yo…thats the Last year I came up with the idea of a multirole card…a card for all seasons and events. Christmas,New Year, birthdays,weddings etc.The idea being that it was one card folded up with every event on it…just send it once a year. you could make one from old cards and when you send it..put in a little note to say if a part of card does not apply..please disregard…lol.I remember being at school and we always made paper chains and cards..bloody great scissors etc. lol.Sorry to hear about your heat problem..I am fortunate to have an open fire…having had no elec. once I have even cooked on Anyways Sandi you and Bob have a Very Merry Happy Christmas. LABW..LABW xx

  16. Sandi permalink
    December 17, 2008 1:12 pm

    That\’s a bloody good idea!! That would definitey appeal to Colin..he finds all this card sending lark a total pain in the jacksy!! Maybe Colin should make one of these cards to send to…hmmm…who would he send it to…? Maybe I should create a brother or sister who lives abroad, or something…? Hmmm…

  17. Cornish permalink
    December 17, 2008 2:04 pm

    How about an old prison buddy? I hidden past. Tattoos in unseen places. What did he do to get there? Hmmmmmmm……… My mind really worries me sometimes.

  18. Sandi permalink
    December 17, 2008 8:43 pm

    Prison buddy? Ah, poor old Colin might keep getting into scrapes, and be the bane of the local coppers lives, but he\’s never been in prison. He\’s definitely grumpy, but he\’s a good guy. Why don\’t you write that, then?

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